I have been writing less and less lately. I blame it on moving back to the States, back to where I came from, where, to me, life just isn’t exotic and fascinating. Where taking public transport isn’t an adventure. Food is normal food that everyone has heard of-burgers and pasta and sushi. I feel like my power to bring in new ideas, write about exciting places, and inspire people to travel…has been depleted. Maybe I feel this stronger than I did in San Francisco because I was new to that glorious sunny city. But things changed, and as of three days ago I now live in Portland, Oregon! I am living among you now (that is, if you live in Portland). Maybe you saw me at the Clackamas mall earlier today, wandering through Macy’s looking for a Wells Fargo ATM (there isn’t one btw).
As a native, I am happy to be back since summer of 2010. I have started my life from scratch in multiple cities around the world, and now I get to do the same thing even in my own hometown. I have mixed feelings about it, but the mostly just BLEEHHHH. It’s not Portland, it’s the starting over part. My family moved away two years ago to follow life-long dreams of doing charity work overseas (see where I get it from?!) leaving me with no where to return ‘home’. I thank God (and Facebook!) for all the strong friendships I’ve miraculously maintained, because without their sincere and supportive welcome, this place would feel just as foreign as any. One thing I never feel when I’m back in Portland is LONELY, and that is enough for me to love being back.
Here, I get the sense that I’ve lived life backwards somehow. People have careers they seem to enjoy, own cars they’ve paid off, bought houses, gotten married, had kids, built homes and travel when they can. Does it make you want to kick me in the face if I admit I envy them?!? I don’t care-that is just how I’ve been feeling lately. And I’m entitled to feelings!
Thing is, traveling and moving around all the time loses it’s….charm, whatever. I used to be so excited to find a new flat, buy furniture and decor, then beam in my own space. I would love walking out on the street and listening to new languages and getting lost on transit systems, getting a new phone and the challenge and satisfaction of landing a new job. For some people it’s a huge life event; to move to a new city-but I’ve done it before and since then I’ve done it again. And again. And again and now it’s not fun anymore. You only love the road when you’re not missin’ home. If you’re anyone close to my age range (twenty-sixxxxxxxxxx soon yo) your Newsfeed and Instagram are probably exploding with baby photos and engagement rings. I’m happy for my friends, I truly am. I just wonder if I’ll ever get there too.
So I’m back in Portland, and I just want to be a normal person. Sorry if I am distant for the next few weeks, my mind is on autopilot (get job, get flat, get car, get phone, etc.) until I am settled. I’m determined to earn back the kind of life I once loved here. I want to work hard. I want to play with my best friends. I want to snowboard. I want to spend quality time with my little brother. I want to drive. I want to have all the nice beers I can drink. A lot has happened recently- and I just need some time, whether it be a few months or few years, to feel like I belong somewhere and to live a stable life again. My soul needs a place to rest for a while, and to have a beautiful place to clear my mind. That’s all.